


Five Times Bram Crushes on a Straight Boy, And the One Time He Gets It Right

by destroza



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Brotp, Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Other, Swearing, bram-centric, non-canon, soccer calves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 14:59:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14263581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destroza/pseuds/destroza
Summary: This is the story of how Bram has 5 failed attempts at crushing on straight boys, but he eventually gets it right in the end.





	Five Times Bram Crushes on a Straight Boy, And the One Time He Gets It Right

**Author's Note:**

> This really is non-canon. If I had to choose, it follows the movie closer than the book, but even that's a stretch. There's no e-mails. Blue and Jacques don't exist. Simon is already out of the closet by the time he's mentioned in this story. And Garrett and Bram is my favorite Brotp. This is my first attempt at a 5+1 type of fic. Unbeta'd, so any mistakes are mine. I hope you enjoy anyway.
> 
> Update 4/9/18: Revised and edited parts of the fic after re-reading it and finding all the mistakes.

**1\. Freshman Soccer Camp - Garrett Laughlin**  

“What’s the matter with you, Greenfeld, get your head in the game!” Bram could barely focus as the opposing team took control of the ball and scored a goal, which brought an end to the match.  
  
“You okay, man?” Garrett asked. “It’s not like you to get all in your head like this.”

The coach called the team in to go over how she wanted them to play the next match. She stared at Bram and frowned. “I’m disappointed by how you’re all playing today. I don’t know what’s going on in your heads, but I need you all to focus.”

“Don’t mind coach today,” Garrett gently punched Bram’s shoulder. “She’s just being extra bitchy because I heard she tried to get with the coach from Columbus High School but he turned her down.”

Bram shrugged. “I don’t see why she’d get turned down, though. Coach is pretty.”

“Turns out it’s because the coach from Columbus is gay.” Garrett chuckled. “I feel kinda bad for her.”

Bram blushed. “Why?”

"The universe is so mean sometimes. I guess it’s true what they say. The good ones are either gay or married.” Garrett joked.

_Or totally straight and I’m just as stupid as coach for crushing on a straight boy_. Bram thought.

Bram tensed a little at Garrett’s rambling, for Bram knew that he was gay before he even knew what it meant to be gay. Ever since the start of soccer camp, he just found it hard to relate to some of the other boys he was lodging with for the week. All they ever wanted to talk about was boobs _._ While the other boys would stay up all night objectifying women and their reproductive parts, Bram tended to prefer his quiet isolation with just the company of his journal and iPod. Garrett was different, though. Sure, he would often make comments like how he swore he could see a little bit of nipple when Kelly Sinclair got out of the water when they were given some free time at the pool, but never around Bram.

Bram learned that Garrett was sensitive. He was a mama’s boy at heart, but would never admit it. His younger sister had him wrapped around her finger and he would do anything just to make her smile. He even caught him singing into the phone one night because she couldn’t sleep until her big brother sang her the “Happy Hippo” song.

Bram loved Garrett’s awkward toothy grin and bad jokes. But he especially loved how Garrett always knew what to say when he was feeling down. Garrett had heard Bram crying once in the middle of the night. It was the first time Bram had been away from home and he missed his mom – awkward epidemiologist sex talks and all. Garrett climbed into bed with Bram and even gave him a hug. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone that you cried. It’s okay to be sad.” Bram felt so safe in Garrett’s embrace and fell asleep almost immediately that night.

That’s when the awkward crushing started. He tried to be discreet, but sometimes he just couldn’t stop staring at Garrett. He’d been caught a few times, but Garrett would usually just make a stupid joke and grunt while showing off his big toothy grin. But Garrett wasn’t gay, and Bram knew that.

“Greenfeld. Laughlin. Are you two lovebirds listening to what I’m saying?” Their coach scolded.

Bram snapped to attention and gently kicked Garrett to get him to listen. Garrett laughed and awkwardly rubbed the back of his head.

“Sorry coach.” They said in unison.

Bram remained distracted through the game as he watched Garrett play. They ended up losing their match.

Later that night Bram and Garrett decided that they could be best friends. Garrett effectively erased Bram’s crush on him after gassing up their room after taco Tuesday. This is why Bram realized that he couldn’t have crushes on straight boys

 

**2\. Philosophical Ramblings of Nick Eisner**

Bram always wondered why Nick never sat with the soccer team at lunch. So when he would take his usual spot next to Leah Burke, Simon Spier, and Abby Suso, he couldn’t help but wonder what he was missing out on.

“Hey, let’s go sit with Nick at lunch today,” Bram casually suggested to Garrett one day in passing. “I’ve always wondered why he doesn’t sit with us.”

“Oh?” Garrett raised an eyebrow. “Well, he doesn’t sit with us because Nick, Leah, and Simon have known each other since, well like, forever.”

“I never took him as a thespian, though.” Bram shrugged.

“Simon’s gay, he doesn’t like other women.” Garrett said flatly.

Bram did wonder why Nick hung out with one of the only few openly gay kids at school. Simon had come out earlier that year. No one really took it as a surprise, though.

“Oh shut up.”

Yet another one of Garrett's lame jokes.

He would never admit it, but Bram couldn’t help but find Nick irresistible. They never really spoke to each other, which wasn’t uncharacteristic of Bram who preferred to be a silent observer, but he thought that if anyone could rival Garrett’s comedic timing, it had to be Nick. But Nick was more than just the goofy kid who liked to tell fart jokes. Bram learned that Nick knew a lot about music and even dabbled in playing the guitar. Bram swooned the first time he listened to Nick perform. Nick had been practicing _Take Me To Church_ by HOZIER. He thought it was so adorable how Nick’s eyes would close during the really emotional parts of the songs and loved how raspy his singing voice was. He often fantasized about being serenaded by Nick and having sweet nothings whispered into his ear.

But Nick was straight and was obviously in love with Abby Suso.

Bram’s crush on Nick was instantly deflated the moment Garrett and Bram decided to start sitting at his lunch table. He hadn't realized just how eclectic, if Bram had to describe him, Nick was.

“So I had this dream that it was like the end of the world. Everything was dark and gray and silent. People were packing up to leave to lord knows where, but I saw this hieroglyph and it was calling to me. I didn’t immediately recognize it but I could suddenly read it and it spoke to me. It told me _Everything will go as you want._ I was like, tripping, you know? And then I woke up. What do you think this means?” Bram wondered if Nick was having some kind of fever dream.

Bram looked over at the table while everyone seemed unfazed by Nick’s rambling, he guessed because his friends were just used to it. He couldn’t help but notice that Simon was giggling, though. Simon had a cute smile that made Bram giggle, too.

So, while Bram effectively stopped crushing on Nick, he and Garrett continued to sit at Nick’s table during lunch because he started to find it more entertaining than talking about soccer.

 

**3\. Daddy Issues - Mr. Spier**

“Whoa, that’s your dad?”

Simon nodded. “Yeah, he’s been picking me up at school since my car’s still in the shop.”

“He looks too young to be a dad.”

“He’s in his 40s now,” Simon shrugged. “But even then, I wouldn't consider that old.”  
  
Apparently it was a common thing for Simon, for his classmates to tell him that his dad was hot.

“But he looks like he’s in such great shape for a dude in his 40s.” Bram hoped he wasn’t being too obvious.

“Yikes, don’t tell me you’re checking out my dad, too!” Simon groaned.

Bram shook his head. “Of course not. I’m just pointing out facts.”

“He still works out a lot. His job lets him work from home so he gets pretty bored so he kills time by going to the gym when we're not home. He used to play football in high school.”

“Oh, makes sense now.” It got a little awkward.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Simon waved with his sister Nora tailing behind.

Later that night, Bram had to shake off those weird feelings he had for Mr. Spier. He didn’t want to be known as one of those gays with “daddy issues.” It seemed too stereotypical coming from a child of divorced parents. He couldn’t help but wonder if Simon would look like Mr. Spier when he got older, though.

 

**4\. Calculus. Because U+Me=Us - Lyle**

“You have no idea how big of a help this is. Thank you thank you thank you!”

It was getting a little easier opening up to new people now that Bram had officially begun sitting at the same lunch table as Simon, Leah, Nick, and Abby. So it was no surprise when Abby had asked Bram if they could have a study date at Waffle House because she had been struggling with her calculus homework.

“I told you, it’s not a problem. Besides, studying with other people means that I can double check to make sure that I’m doing it right, too.”

Abby basically threw her arms around Bram as they whipped out their textbooks. Luckily the restaurant was slow that night, so they were sure that the staff wouldn’t mind that it took them an unusually long time to finish a plate of waffles and a side order of bacon.

“What’d you get for number four?” Bram asked as he finished writing the problem down on his notepaper.  
  
“Well first I got 0, but then when I reworked the question I got….” Abby huffed. “I really don’t get this at all and I’m going to fail and I’m not going to college and then I’m gonna be stuck working at Waffle House making minimum wage including tips.” She rambled not noticing that the Waffle House waiter had come by to refill their coffee.

“Ouch.” He said.

“Sorry, no offense.” Abby blushed.

“None taken. This job does fucking suck, though. Just don't tell my boss I said that.” He shrugged. “Anyway, is there anything else that you wanted to order?” The waiter took out a small pad and a black ballpoint pen.

Bram looked at the waiter’s nametag. Apparently his name was Lyle. He looked familiar, but Bram wasn't good at remembering faces. He had really white teeth. _I’d like to have a side order of Lyle_. Bram became lost in thought. There was something oddly attractive about a boy in an apron. Maybe he was imagining Lyle wearing nothing but the apron.

“Bram, you gonna order anything else?” Abby waved to get his attention. “Hello? Bram?”

Bram shook his head. “No, I’m good. I’m…” He couldn’t help but blush when Lyle with the pearly whites smiled at him.

“It’s no problem! No need to rush.” Lyle said with his friendly demeanor. “I noticed you guys are studying calculus?”

Abby nodded. “Yeah, Bram here is helping to tutor me. I offered to pay him, but he refused. So I offered to treat him to Waffle House as a compromise.”

“Oh, cool.” Lyle took a closer look at Abby’s notes and the problem she was working on. He took the pen he was holding to write orders on his notepad and began scribbling on Abby’s homework. “Anyway, if you guys want to order anything else. Just call me. I’m Lyle.”

“Ok. Cool.” As Lyle walked away Abby rolled her eyes. “He wrote his phone number as the answer to the question.”

Bram laughed. “What a tool.”

Pearly whites and all, Bram knew that he couldn’t have a crush on Lyle.

 

**5\. We're Laughing At You, Not With You Martin Addison**  

It was hard for an introvert like Bram to understand why people liked to be the center of attention.

“My god he is so fucking annoying.” Simon grumbled during lunch as Martin marched around their table, reciting Hamlet’s famous To Be Or Not To Be soliloquy.

“I don’t know. I think it’s kinda funny.” Garrett threw an M&M at Martin and laughed.

“I think he does things like this because he just wants attention,” Bram’s eyes followed Martin. A group of jock boys began harassing him, interrupting his performance. “Good attention, bad attention. I think to Martin, any publicity is good publicity.”

“And that's what makes him so fucking annoying,” Simon grumbled again. “He’s unbearable during play rehearsals.”

Bram offered Simon a sympathetic smile. “It’s kinda weird, though. Even though he can be annoying, it seems like he gets on well with the football players.”

“Yeah, because he doesn’t get it when they’re laughing at him, not with him.” Abby interrupted. "The jocks are just bullying him, but he lets them get away with it because he likes the attention."

Bram couldn’t help but feel sorry for the boy who so badly wanted to be accepted by society. He had to admit, though, if Martin wasn’t so annoying, he was “crush potential”.

Or not. Martin was lanky and awkward, his pale pimply skin had seen better days, and he could have sworn that Martin’s wardrobe consisted of nothing but novelty shirts and overwashed skinny jeans. Today he wore a shirt that said _The little men who live behind my eyes and scream directly at my brain told me to tell you hello_. Bram immediately felt guilty when he realized that mentally pointing out Martin’s flaws only made him part of the problem.

Maybe if he cleaned up his act, Martin could be cute. Maybe.

Martin suddenly appeared next to Abby and got down on one knee. “The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons. Be all my sins remembered!”

“You see what I mean!” Simon yelled from across the table. Bram couldn’t help but laugh.

Okay, most definitely not.

 

**+1. When He Finally Gets It Right – Simon Spier**

“Hey, what do you think of Simon Spier?” Bram asked suddenly as he and Garrett were packing up after soccer practice.

“What do you mean?” Garrett zipped up his duffle bag and threw it over his shoulder.

“You know what I mean.”

“I really don’t,” Garrett shook his head. “You guys barely talk even though we’ve been sitting at the same lunch table for the last few months. So what do you mean?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Bram shrugged. “Just wanted to know your opinion of him, that’s all.”

Garrett paused. “Well I think it’s pretty dope that he’s one of the few openly gay kids at our school and that he gives zero fucks even though he gets harassed just for liking other dudes.”

Bram sighed. “Hey Garrett?”

“Yeah bro?”  
  
Bram hesitated. “There's something I wanted to tell you. I just need you to promise me that you won’t freak out.”

Garrett nodded.

Bram stood silent for a few more moments before finally saying anything. He could do this. This was his best friend. The same person who just referred to Simon being out as _dope._ He took a deep breath. “I’m gay.”

Garrett rolled his eyes. “And water’s wet and gluten makes your dick fly off.”

“What does gluten have to do with… never mind,” Bram paused. “So you knew?”

Garrett nodded. “Come here.” He wrapped Bram in a tight hug. “You’ve been my best friend for years. You're not going to stop being my best friend just because you like other dudes. And wouldn’t that make me a shitty friend for not noticing?"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Bram said in disbelief

"Because it's not my place to tell you how you want to come out?"

Garrett slowly released Bram from the hug. "But what I've really noticed is your crush on Spier. My god you get so gross when you’re around him.”

“I do not!” Bram protested.

“Then why are you asking me what I think of him? You should see the way you’re basically mentally undressing him every time he sits near you as you stare into his blue eyes.”

“Excuse me, but his eyes are moon-gray!” Bram retorted.

“Thank you for proving my point,” Garrett laughed. “I was right! You like him.”  
  
“I just,” Bram blushed. He had been caught. He wondered if he was really that easy to read. “I do really like him, but I don’t know how to tell him.”  
  
“Easy. Just do it. I’m pretty sure he likes you back.”

“I’m not quite ready to come out. You're the first person to know! I haven’t even told my mom yet.” That was a conversation he was dreading.

“Wow, I feel honored that you came out to me first.” They began walking to Garrett’s car and threw their bags in the trunk before getting in and closing the doors. Luckily the school parking lot was empty, save for a few other cars, likely belonging to the theater kids who were still rehearsing for their upcoming performance. Cabaret music and some off-key singing by Martin Addison could be heard playing from the auditorium. “But you don’t have to be out to the entire world if you’re not ready. Baby steps, Bram. Baby steps!”

They sat in silence for a few moments. “You guys would look cute together, though."

“You think?”

Garrett nodded. “And he totally likes you back. Haven’t you ever noticed that he always says hi to you first at lunch? Or how he always tries to get Abby to switch seats with him so that he can sit next to you? Or that he only ever offers his Oreos to you and ONLY you. Oreos are sacred to him or something like that.”

“Well now that you mention it.”

“And he’s totally coming to all our soccer games to check you out.”

“He does not! He’s there to support Nick!” Bram insisted.

“No way!” Garrett chuckled. “Abby said he does this little cheer every time you, and only you, score. And she mentioned that all Simon ever talks about is your soccer calves.”

As they continued to talk, the theater kids began pouring out of the auditorium. It seemed almost too convenient that Simon’s car was parked next to Garrett’s.  
  
“Now, go get your man.” He pushed Bram out of his car and drove off, parking his car a few stalls away from Bram and Simon.

“Oh, hey,” Simon said, a little startled.

“Hi.” Bram said shyly. “So I see your car is finally fixed.”

Simon nodded. “You have no idea how much I missed not having to be driven around by my dad.”

Bram gave a nervous laugh. “Yeah, my ride is over there.” He pointed to Garrett who was making kissy faces from his car.

Simon smiled. “Did you just get out of soccer rehearsals?”  
  
Bram couldn’t help but chuckle. “Did you just call it a rehearsal?”

“I did, didn’t I?” Simon blushed. “Sorry, I’m not really a sports guy.”  
  
"I’m not really a theater guy, so I think we’re even.”

It was like time froze for Bram. He and Simon stood in silence. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, as he was too entranced by the other boy’s moon-gray eyes.

“You have really pretty eyes.” Bram blurted out. Simon probably thought he was a weirdo.

“Thanks.” Simon blushed again.

They soon engaged in an unending compliment war.

“Well, your smile is so bright that 10/10 dentists would recommend whatever brand of toothpaste you use.”

“Oh yeah?” Bram giggled. “Well you have a face that makes people realize that the best things in life are free.”

Simon stuck out his tongue. “Well, are you a beaver? Because damn.”

They continued like this, the compliments getting more ridiculous as they talked. They were eventually interrupted by a car horn, as Garrett began honking.

“I think that’s my ride’s cue that I should be wrapping this up now,” Bram looked at the ground bashfully.

Simon nodded. “Well it is getting late.”

“And there’s still homework that needs to be done.”

“Yeah,” Simon laughed awkwardly. “Homework.”

Bram made no effort to head towards Garrett’s car and Simon still stood there, leaning against his own.  
  
“Hey, so I was wondering? Do you want to go get like, coffee or something this weekend? Assuming you’re not, like, already doing anything else?” Bram finally asked.

“Are you asking me out on a date, Cute Bram Greenfeld?” Simon smiled.

“Only if you want it to be.”

Simon nodded. “Yes. I would love that.”


End file.
